Six Diastrous Decisions that Singles Make

(And What You Can Do to Avoid Making Them)

(Acknowledgements: The original article that gave rise to this presentation was by Tracy McMillan on-line at Huffpost Style).

Disastrous Decision #1 — You Decide To Be Angry

  1. Characteristics
    1. You have unresolved hurt and resentment from relationships in your past.
    2. You use anger and hostility to protect your heart from being hurt again.
    3. You use sarcasm and cynicism as a cover.
    4. You deny you have an anger problem.”Then the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” Genesis 4:6-7

  2. Results
    1. You frighten off people with healthy self-esteem and boundaries.
    2. You attract unhealthy people who typically have low self-esteem wand were raised by an angry parent.
    3. You grow contemptuous of the weak-willed person and display your anger more openly and eventually they leave you.
    4. You end up alone again and again./li>
  3. The Simple TruthMost people want to marry someone who will be nice to them. You have chosen to be an angry person, which means you are not nice to people. Therefore, people choose not to marry you.“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you.” James 1:19-21
  4. Action Steps
    1. Ask your friends if they think you have an anger problem.
    2. Admit to yourself that you are angry and ask God and others for help.
    3. Confess to God that you are out right relationship with Him.
    4. Forgive the people who have treated you with anger.
    5. Humbly accept the Word that can save you.

Disastrous Decision #2 — You Decide to be Shallow

  1. Characteristics
    1. You decide there is something you want in another person more than character.
    2. You opt for looks, money, sex appeal, age or the wow-factor, but character comes far down the list.
    3. You end up in one superficial relationship after another with people unwilling to commit.“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting…” Proverbs 31:30
  2. Results
    1. You consistently pass over people of character in pursuit of something more appealing to you..
    2. You find that the people who do meet your criteria are also looking for something other than character, and thus both of you are unwilling to commit.
    3. You end up alone.
  3. The Simple Truth
    1. The people most willing to commit to a life-long, monogamous, marriage are people of character. Yet, you choose to be shallow. Therefore people of character choose not to marry you.“The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7
  4. Action Steps
    1. Realize that without character, all other traits are ultimately worthless.
    2. Ask God to make you into a person of character – with love and faithfulness.
    3. Repent of the superficial standards you have established.
    4. Start pursuing friendships with people of true character.
    5. Apply the nursing-home test.

Disastrous Decision #3 — You Decide to Have Casual Sex

  1. Characteristics
    1. You use sex to attract as a way of attracting people to you.
    2. You may desire a more committed, monogamous relationship but you feel this is the price you must pay to begin and keep a relationship.
    3. You end of dating people who are fine with sex but are not fine with idea of marriage.Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.” John 4:17-18
  2. Results
    1. You end up in relationships that stall out at the point you become sexually involved.
    2. As a woman you are more emotionally drawn to the other person the more involved you become.
    3. As a man you want more emotional distance the more involved you become.
    4. You end up alone.
  3. The Simple Truth
    1. The people most willing to commit to marriage understand the value of delayed gratification and moral integrity. You are not willing to wait for marriage in order to have sex. Therefore people willing to wait do not marry you.“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
  4. Action Steps
    1. Admit that sexual sin never produced anything of lasting value in your life.
    2. Confess to God that your real sin is against Him, and not just the other person.
    3. Decide that your body belongs to three people: God, you, and your future spouse when they are your spouse (not before).
    4. Choose 40 years of great sex over four months of good sex.

Disastrous Decision #4 — You Decide to Tell a Lie

  1. Characteristics
    1. You meet someone that you are definitely interested in but they are unavailable as a potential marriage partner.
    2. They are married, they are still adolescent at heart, or they come right out and say they don’t want a serious relationship.
    3. You tell them a lie — you aren’t interested in a serious relationship either.
    4. You then tell yourself a lie – they’ll change.“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.” Galatians 6:7
  2. Results
    1. You fear that if you tell the other person you’re ready for marriage – they’ll leave.
    2. Instead you become more and more emotionally (or sexually) involved all the while assuring them you don’t want anything serious either.
    3. You stay this dead-end relationship until one of you decides to move on.
    4. You end up alone.
  3. The Simple Truth: Most people willing to commit to a lifetime of marriage are willing to take the risk of honesty and openness in a relationship. You are not willing to take that risk, so you tell a lie. Therefore people who tell the truth do not marry you.“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.” Colossians 3: 9-10
  4. Action Steps
    1. Confess to God and yourself that by telling a lie you have been living a lie.
    2. Decide that anyone you need to lie to in order to develop a relationship isn’t someone you would want to marry.
    3. Put your confidence in God’s promise that the truth will set you free.
    4. Obey the commandment to tell the truth and leave the results with God.

Disastrous Decision #5 — You Decide to be Selfish

  1. Characteristics
    1. You think a lot about you.
    2. In fact, all you mainly think about is you.
    3. Your personal dreams, goals, ambitions, likes, dislikes and ideas come first in life.
    4. You are puzzled by people who seem more interested in others than they are in themselves (how could they be happy?).“An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.” Proverbs 18:1
  2. Results
    1. For some reason other people just don’t seem drawn to you.
    2. The more you talk about yourself the less satisfying the conversation once it’s over.
    3. Your self-focus leaves you very little energy left to focus on the needs of others.
    4. You struggle with feelings of loneliness.
    5. You end up alone.“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4
  3. Action Steps
    1. Face the fact that after all the years of putting self first you are no happier nor are you any closer to getting married.
    2. Embrace the life-changing truth it really is better to give than to receive.
    3. Make a commitment to wait at least 10-15 minutes into a conversation before talking about you.
    4. Do something unselfish 3 x a day.

Disastrous Decision #6 — You Decide You are Not Good Enough

  1. Characteristics
    1. You are interested only in people who are better-looking, smarter, younger, more successful or with more money than you.
    2. You pass on people who seem too much like you – you can do better than that.
    3. You constantly aim for the unattainable.
    4. You take each discouragement personally and as one more reason to give up.“We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” 2 Corinthians 10:12”My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don’t show favoritism… If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?” James 2:1-4
  2. Results
    1. You won’t settle for anything less than a trophy husband or wife.
    2. You are terrified to show the real you.
    3. You overlook excellent marriage prospects because they don’t do much for your ego.
    4. You become utterly unrealistic.
    5. You end up alone.
  3. The Simple Truth
    1. Most people willing to commit to marriage believe they are someone of value. They are willing to accept someone like themselves in terms of looks, age and economic status. You do not believe you are a person of value. Therefore people who believe they are good enough do not marry you.“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect.” 1 Corinthians 15:10
  4. Action Steps
    1. Realize that your search for the trophy spouse is a measure of just how little you value yourself.
    2. Confess that false idea you need someone else to make you good enough.
    3. Find your sense of self-worth in who Christ says that you are.
    4. Make it your goal to make the other person feel special rather than just you.
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